A few months ago I somehow stumbled across a YouTube video that a young man made about adoption, how much he was “paid for” and what his thoughts were about adoption. It had these flashes or other people saying how much they “were worth”, meaning how much were paid for their adoption, and how offended they were for being adopted. As I listened, I thought to myself I want to comment on the video, and then something happened and I lost the video… you know when you either scroll or hover by accident and it all rolls past all the way back to the newest videos available? Something like that, and as much as I tried, I cannot remember the channel name or locate the video again.
I thought this might be a good place to start our discussions, as it is ultimately a page about your questions and not so much about our family story. Many adoptees and children that grew up in CYCC’s or foster care might agree with this guy’s experience and determination to end all adoption.
His one question was, why were the money “paid for him” not rather given to his birth family so that they could raise him?
Firstly, I think it would be a valid question if that was the desire of his biological parents. In some cases, children are given up for adoption or removed from their biological family because there were just no means to look after them, and their birth family wanted them to have the best life possible. In South Africa there is the option to apply for a government childcare grant, but this is only as a means of social support and not nearly enough to cover the living expenses of a child. Even the foster care grant is not sufficient to raise a child, even though it is much more than the regular childcare grant. Maybe that could have helped so that a child could have stayed with his or her biological family, though we do not know what the circumstances of their adoption was.
So, what is the money paid in adoption used for?
It is not your price, that I can assure you!
Nicholas and I worked out years ago that to keep a child on nappies until potty training at 3,5 years old, would be around R30 000. Then it does not include the wet wipes, bum cream, clothes, formula, first foods from 6 months old… Not to mention clothes, daycare, and baby-raising equipment like a car seat, stroller, blankets for all seasons, etc. You can be sure, you were “worth” much more than you imagine!
Adoption services ask fees for the adoption process, because it is quite a rigorous and expensive process to present a child ready for adoption to the Court. In South Africa, adoptions can fail if there are medical issues with a baby or child that was undiscovered or undisclosed during the screening process. Much of the fees paid will be used to pay the bills of the doctors’ visits and medical tests, to make sure the baby or child is approved for adoption. Depending on the background of the child, this may include eye tests, hearing tests, HIV tests, DNA tests for a historical background, etc. All these test results will be presented to the court as motivation for the child’s readiness for adoption.
Another reason is the fact that adoption social services are a specialist field, and includes services rendered to the baby, the adoptive family and many times to the biological family. Many of these specialist social workers work for NPO’s that have to employ them to render these specialist services. A huge amount of admin is done (these NPO’s have huge admin expenses for each process), home visits, baby or child visitation, etc. It all costs money, including the fuel for inspection, visitation or appointments during this process.
The reason I had the most peace about, was the fact that my baby was being taking care of in the best baby unit I have ever seen. Someone had to dress her, change her nappies, supply her wet wipes and lotions and formula while we waited for her to be declared ready for adoption by the court. I would have loved to do it myself, but she needed to be kept safe and taken care off while we were also being screened and processed to become ready for adoption. It was a comfort for me to know that the fee paid will be used for her care and that she will lack nothing in the meantime, while we were waiting to be united. In essence, we took care of her from the very beginning.
Now, the above mentioned is when it is a legal and official adoption. There are many children who were not so fortunate to go through a rigorous vetting process. Instead, they were the commodities some people used, and their care was not necessarily a priority. With this can come huge basic trust issues, abandonment issues, trauma etc. for the child. One reason being that the biological family may or may not have had a choice in the process. For this I am sorry, and I pray that the authorities will have more success in routing these evil practices out.
Lastly, but not in the least, is a difficult reality to face, but we must also acknowledge that some children enter the adoption or foster care system because their biological parents, for various reasons, simply couldn’t provide the necessary care. This includes situations where parents are battling severe substance abuse, struggling with mental health issues that severely impair their parenting abilities, and also those who made the personal decision that parenthood wasn’t right for them at the time, or ever.
In a perfect world, with perfect governmental organisations and perfect people, all children should be able to grow up with their biological families. But in a broken world, with broken systems and broken people, it is not always possible. And I am an advocate that adoption can be a successful option to bring families and children together. I have experienced it myself, and I also have seen it in other families. It does not mean the journey will not have challenges, but challenges can be overcome.
No family is perfect. You can have all biological members, and none of them have a relationship with each other, which is very common today. Do not let the fact that adoption or foster care played a part in your life, define whether or not you had a “family life”. The fact that your life was impacted through no fault of your own, or even without your permission, does not disqualify you from having a healthy and normal family life.
If you have a hole as deep as a crater in your heart, because you have information gaps in your history, or you walk around with those questions that just don’t have answers, I want to encourage you not to let it define you. There are ways and means one can have a sense and idea of who you are, and reverse engineer your story until you can have some kind of an identity that can give you peace.
“Unlike a drop of water which loses its identity when it joins the ocean, man does not lose his being in the society in which he lives. Man’s life is independent. He is born not for the development of the society alone, but for the development of his self.”-B. R. Ambedkar